Personal Fires

One thing at a time. It’s all you’re capable of. Whether or not you believe yourself to be working on many things, it’s not actually true. You are actually working on one thing while being distracted by others.

You can see that this is true if you become aware of your mental chatter when you are focused on a task. If you are thinking about what’s coming up next, or what troubles you may have getting it finished, then these are simply concepts which are floating through your mind.

These concepts aren’t always necessarily helpful. So it’s important to be aware of them. The reason to be aware of them is so that you can recognize how much energy they are taking from you. If you have background noise going on while you are trying to put your efforts into something; can you see how that will require more energy?

It’s likely that you feel stressed out, because you don’t know how to quiet this mental chatter. Or possibly it’s an anxious feeling which you constantly experience. It’s as if something is missing from the present moment but your not quite sure what.

It’s difficult when this mental habit overshadows everything you attempt to do. You may wonder how come you are not as focused as you once were. You might think that you are not capable of dedicating yourself to only one thing at a time.  Nothing could be further from the truth. You are completely capable. It is this capability which is contributing to the mental feedback you’re getting.

It’s not necessarily your fault that this mental habit has developed. We live in a very fast paced society, where more and more is expected from us. We are expected to keep up with work, take care of the children, communicate with friends and family, and maintain a household. On top of that, you may be attending school in order to acquire advanced skills to advance in your career. All this is going on with the background noise of the news media contributing to our worries.

While it may feel as if the news is important,  we should not allow the media to have an impact on the present concern. If you are constantly worried about the economy, or war, or political decisions, there is no wonder why you can’t stay focused! There is simply too much on your plate at one time.

If you want to get rid of that nagging voice; then you need to make a decision. You must make a conscious choice that you will not distract yourself with thoughts that do not have a present concern. Sure, at some point you may want to address these issues, but you must do it in your own time. You cannot save the world, and focus on your current task  at the same time!

I know that this mindset might seem to belittle some of the cares which you have right now. So what though! Are these cares helping you or hindering you? I think it would be safe to say that they aren’t contributing to your success. After all, successful people are focused. They know what they can control, and what they cannot. A successful individual knows that you can only handle one thing at a time.

Perhaps the image that you have of a successful person is someone who is constantly working. Is it important to be constantly moving in order to attain success? What does success mean to you? Are you comparing it to someone else’s idea of success?

I bring up success because I think it’s what most people tend to be striving for in one way or another. I could be wrong about this. Of course the idea of success is different for everyone. Some may think that success is eliminating poverty or disease; while others see success as acquiring material wealth. Whatever your idea of success is, it must be realized one step at a time. To put too much pressure on yourself while you work towards your goals, will not help you. In fact, whether you reach your goals or not,  will you have enjoyed the process of getting there?

If you are the type of person who has thoughts, concepts or ideas constantly on the backburner, then let them stay there. Just make sure that they are not showing themselves as a string of thoughts which interrupt you while you are dedicated to working on something else. I know this statement might seem contradictory. How is it possible to have something on the backburner, without having constant thoughts related to it? Easy – write it down, and forget about it. You will come back to it, if it’s important.

The habit of staying completely present may not come easily at first. Though, I highly recommend making a committed effort to do so. If you start to see yourself as someone who is highly aware, focused and present,  rather than someone who is always worried or distracted, then you will surely notice a change in your thinking.

In order to become a person who is focused entirely in the present, I strongly recommend practicing meditation. If meditation is something which you are completely uninterested in, thats ok. Maybe you would be better off starting a hobby. Or take an activity which you already do, and just remind yourself to be completely immersed while you do it. Eventually this mindset will carry over to other activities.

Acting from this centered, highly focused state will allow you to access creative insights which you may have been missing out on before. Have you ever noticed, that while you are just relaxed and having fun, interesting ideas seem to pop into your head out of nowhere? It has everything to do with a state of “flow”.

I’ve challenged myself personally to act more in a state of present awareness. Within a short period of time I’ve noticed a dramatic change in the amount of mental chatter I consciously engage in. I encourage you to challenge yourself, and see how it feels to “turn off” the mental chatter and just let go. I promise you that you will be glad that you did. After all, what are you really missing out on?

For those of you not old enough to get the full meaning behind the title; Memorex is a company that was a big player in the field of recording media. When cassettes were at the forefront of technology, the biggest issue was the quality of recording you could get. Memorex ran a series of commercials suggesting that recordings made on their tape would be so good you’d have to ask, “Is it real? Or is it Memorex?”

Here’s where I’m going with this. Our subconscious minds control our physical bodies, but our conscious minds can be used to program our subconscious.

For example, if you want to do something physical, like pick up a book, you may think that your conscious mind is controlling the action. Not so. Your conscious mind only sets the intention and monitors progress. It is your subconscious that controls all of the muscle functions required to walk across the room and reach for the book. You could not possibly do it with your conscious mind; there are far too many things involved.

Dr. Wayne Dyer uses the best example I’ve ever heard to demonstrate how the subconscious controls the physical. This works better if someone speaks it to you, but you can still get a feel for it by reading through the process.

Close your eyes and imagine you are standing at your kitchen counter. In front of you is a wooden cutting board. On it sit a sharp knife and a lemon. The lemon is very large – almost as big as an orange – and beautiful. The color is a deep yellow.

In your mind, pick up the lemon. Feel the weight of it in your hand. It has mass. It presses against your fingers as you move it in the air. Feel the texture of it. Its skin is tacky and full of large pores.

Now, raise the lemon to your nose and sniff. Smell the fresh citrus.

When you are ready, put the lemon back on the cutting board and pick up the knife. Use it to cut the lemon in half. See the juice squirt as you make the cut. This is the ripest, juiciest lemon you’ve ever seen.

Cut off a one-inch thick slice, and then cut that slice in half so you now have a couple of nice, thick half-moon pieces. Pick one up. Feel the juice run across your fingers as you raise it to your face. The lemon smell is even stronger. Now, open your mouth and take a big bite of it, filling your mouth with lemon pulp.

Right now, what’s happening in your mouth? Are your saliva glands working overtime? Can you taste the lemon?

But, wait! There’s no lemon! How is this possible?

It’s possible because you’ve seen, held, smelled and (probably) tasted lemon before. Your mind has recorded that information, and when you imagined doing those things again, that tape recorder between your ears simply replayed the experience.

But what’s truly amazing is that the physical world (your body, and specifically, your mouth) responded as if it was really happening!

This demonstration works as well as it does because of the strength of our bodies’ reaction to the sensations we experienced the first time we smelled, tasted, etc., a lemon. The same thing happens when we replay a recording of the same activities, only using something more bland, like a banana or a graham cracker. It’s just that the reactions are a lot more subtle, so they are harder to notice.

The physical body will react to the mental impression in exactly the same way it reacts to the physical impression.

So, what happens if you have no prior experience with something you are imagining? As an example, most people in the U.S. have never had any exposure to durian. It’s a fruit found in southeast Asia.

If you tried the above experiment, using durian as the subject, you would have very little, if any, reaction from your physical self. This is because your subconscious mind has no reference, no recording to play back.

On the other hand, if I gave you this description of it I found on the Internet…

“Walk through the vegetable stalls in Singapore or Bangkok during durian season and you’ll swear the city’s sewage disposal system is on the blink. English novelist Anthony Burgess, in fact, has said that dining on durian is a lot like eating vanilla custard in a latrine.”

…even though you still had never even seen it, you would have a physical reaction.

So, we now know why creative visualization doesn’t work for some people; they have no frame of reference. It’s virtually impossible for someone earning $300 a week to imagine what it’s like to make $1,000,000 in a year, and believe it’s possible for them. They’ve never done anything like that. It’s not recorded in their subconscious. There’s no tape to replay.

Even believing that they could make just another $100 per week can be difficult. After all, that’s a 33% increase in income. On the other hand, someone earning $50,000 per year can easily believe that they can find another job that would pay them $55k. It’s a much smaller leap of faith.

BUT! Visualization does work, and it can work for everyone. Here’s how:

First, we need to understand that – NEWSFLASH! – people are different. Some of us need only to be told that something is possible, and we will accept it completely. Others need to be shown the proof, in no uncertain terms.

If you are among the fortunate ones who can imagine yourself in a scenario, can invest emotion into it and believe in it, you need only create your desired situation in your mind and focus on it. See yourself in it, living it, enjoying it. Create a vision board. Use affirmations. Whatever ‘clicks’ for you (you’ll know it when it happens) is what you should use.

Those who need a more grounded technique will simply need more time. The same techniques mentioned above can work for you, too, but they will take much more time. Never-ending repetition (brainwashing) will slowly change your beliefs, but it’s not any fun, and few of us have the willpower to subject ourselves to it voluntarily. Instead, I suggest a baby-steps method.

Start by choosing an area of your life you’d like to improve. Since we were just talking about income, let’s use that topic.

Your objective at first is to bring more money into your life; not necessarily to be paid more on your job. Pick a believable dollar amount that would make you feel good, and a time frame that is reasonable. For example; $500 in 60 days. If $500 is too big to believe, go with $100, or $50. The specific amount is not important, but it should be just big enough for you to feel a little bit of surprise when it happens. And a little bit of pride, too!

Dedicate a few minutes (10-20 is all you need) a day to focusing on this extra money coming into your life. Make plans for what you’ll do with it, and imagine how you’ll feel when you get to spend the money.

Do not put any attention on how the money will appear. Do not try to plan a method to obtain it. Do not spend time questioning whether this will work, or coming up with reasons why it won’t. This exercise is about having fun, so focus on that. You don’t have to believe in it, and it’s OK to feel foolish doing it (a common issue in the beginning). You should be able to smile about it at the end of each session, so have fun with it.

This is a set-it-and-forget-it process. Focus on the goal during the appointed time, and forget about it the rest of the day. If you are diligent about this activity, you WILL see that extra money come into your life in the designated time frame.

* There are few hard and fast rules in this game, but I’m going to suggest that you abide by this one: You MUST spend this extra money in a way that makes you feel good. It MUST be used for something fun. No bill paying, unless it’s a final payment on a credit card or car loan, etc. – something you can celebrate! *

Try it, and let us know what happens.

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I’m a big fan of the TV show ‘Two And A Half Men’, and a line from that show is the basis for this post.

For those who may not be familiar with the show, it’s about two brothers. Charlie, played by Charlie Sheen, is a hard-drinking playboy who lives on the beach in Malibu. For him, life is a game. His brother, Alan, played by John Cryer, has been forced to come live with Charlie after divorce puts him into financial straits. Alan is uptight and anal, and resents the ease with which good things come to Charlie.

In the episode in question, Charlie has injured his “male parts” while having sex, and Alan has accompanied him to the hospital to be inspected. The doctor turns out to be a beautiful young woman, and Charlie can’t help but hit on her. Alan is amazed and appalled, and when the doctor leaves the room, he gives Charlie an earful of his opinion.

Charlie’s response: “The difference between you and me is that when life gives me a lemon, I make lemonade. When life gives you a lemon, you bite in and suck it inside out.”

Anyone who has spent any time in self-reflection or self-improvement studies is likely nodding his or her head right now. It’s pretty easy to see how attitude effects us all. What’s not as easy is knowing how to make changes in our attitude. I’m looking forward to sharing more perspectives, techniques, and tools for doing just that here in 2010.

Wishing you a great year!
Tim Star

In my last post, we looked at the idea that you bear the primary responsibility for how other people treat you.  This time, I want to offer a technique for making long-term changes in those problem relationships.

Here’s a subject most of us have to deal with at some point in our lives – some of us seem to have it as a regular feature!  – that annoying co-worker/family member/acquaintance.

You know who this is.  You start clenching your jaw, or grinding your teeth when they enter the room.  Or you suddenly have an upset stomach because they called you on the phone.  How do you avoid interacting with these people?

Answer: you don’t.  In some rare cases, you might be able to get your husband to agree to move away from his mother’s neighborhood, or you might be able to change jobs.  But, generally speaking, those aren’t options that are easily taken.

Instead, you need to find a way to view those people differently.  You need to be able to change the way you feel about them. This is what you really want.

That statement won’t sit well with some people.  They’ll want to be able to assign blame, to make that other person wrong.  But, blame won’t improve the situation.  It can only make it worse.  Even though, in the moment it might feel better to claim the title of Victim, that very act gives away your power, which leads to more negative feelings, more blame, less power, etc., etc.,  It’s an ugly downward spiral.

Let me suggest a scenario for you: Next Monday morning, you go in to work,  and Mary, that #%&*! from Accounting, approaches you and asks if she can speak to you in private.  You follow her into her office, and she closes the door.  As you take a seat, she proceeds to offer an apology for the way she’s been treating you.  She says she has just recently realized how she had been acting, and wants to apologize.  As a token peace offering, she hands you a small box with a ribbon around it.

(What’s in the box is irrelevant.  Go with it.  Just assume it’s a nice little present.)  Even if you are wary about accepting her apology at face value, isn’t your perception of her going to change?  Just a little?  And what if she continues to act differently toward you over the coming days and weeks?  Your perspective on her is going to soften up considerably.

On the other hand, if you were determined to hang onto that blame, in spite of any other reasons not to, you’d continue to dislike Mary, and continue to give her power over your life.  So, I ask you; which would you prefer?  Pain, ugliness and weakness?  Or lightness and a workable relationship?

I know what you’re saying; “Tim, that sounds great and all, but what if Mary doesn’t have a change of heart?  What if she continues to be that same #%&*! she’s always been?”

It’s still about how you feel about her.  What if you just loved her, regardless of how she treated you, for no rational reason?  You’d still be happy! Yes, you might be nuts, but you’d be happy, and that’s what you’re after.  You just have to give up on your hope of vindication or revenge.  You have to make the choice to let go of the blame.

So, this is ultimately about how you feel.  What to do?  You need to look for ways to think thoughts about Mary that will make you feel better.  That’s all.  They don’t even need to be true.  Nor, in my opinion, do they need to be  particularly nice at this point.  If picturing that person falling under a bus honestly makes you feel better, then go with it.  Feel better.  Get a little of the weight off your chest.

Next, start looking for opportunities to think good-feeling thoughts about that person that are true, that are nice(r).  Maybe you can envision them moving away, or losing your phone number.  Or meeting someone else to bother, and forgetting about you entirely.  It is possible.

A better choice is to focus more specifically on the person.  Start with something small and unthreatening, like “She wears nice shoes.”  Then, expand on that; “She really dresses very well.  She has pretty good taste.  I like that skirt.”  Try to let your mind run with it, without yielding to the temptation to fall back into blame.  “I wonder what her closet looks like…  I’d love to have a closet full of clothes like that!  I wonder if we’re the same size…  Maybe I could borrow that white blouse with the ruffles…”

The specifics aren’t important.  You get the point.  You want to find things that let you just begin to think different thoughts about that person, and build on them.  Follow that trail, and do your best to have fun with it!

With a little time and a little practice, you’ll find that this person no longer bothers you so much.  Maybe you’ll be able to laugh (to yourself) about the things they say or do.

Something else you’re likely to find is that your relationship with them improves.  If they’re truly nasty people, you’ll find (and you’re just going to have to trust me on this) that they will just not be so nasty to you, and might even treat you decently – we won’t ask for respect or friendship; some people are hard nuts to crack.  You might find yourself able to have a polite conversation with them, even if it’s only about (in this example) work issues.  And, hey!  Wouldn’t that be enough?