In my last post, we looked at the idea that you bear the primary responsibility for how other people treat you. This time, I want to offer a technique for making long-term changes in those problem relationships.
Here’s a subject most of us have to deal with at some point in our lives – some of us seem to have it as a regular feature! – that annoying co-worker/family member/acquaintance.
You know who this is. You start clenching your jaw, or grinding your teeth when they enter the room. Or you suddenly have an upset stomach because they called you on the phone. How do you avoid interacting with these people?
Answer: you don’t. In some rare cases, you might be able to get your husband to agree to move away from his mother’s neighborhood, or you might be able to change jobs. But, generally speaking, those aren’t options that are easily taken.
Instead, you need to find a way to view those people differently. You need to be able to change the way you feel about them. This is what you really want.
That statement won’t sit well with some people. They’ll want to be able to assign blame, to make that other person wrong. But, blame won’t improve the situation. It can only make it worse. Even though, in the moment it might feel better to claim the title of Victim, that very act gives away your power, which leads to more negative feelings, more blame, less power, etc., etc., It’s an ugly downward spiral.
Let me suggest a scenario for you: Next Monday morning, you go in to work, and Mary, that #%&*! from Accounting, approaches you and asks if she can speak to you in private. You follow her into her office, and she closes the door. As you take a seat, she proceeds to offer an apology for the way she’s been treating you. She says she has just recently realized how she had been acting, and wants to apologize. As a token peace offering, she hands you a small box with a ribbon around it.
(What’s in the box is irrelevant. Go with it. Just assume it’s a nice little present.) Even if you are wary about accepting her apology at face value, isn’t your perception of her going to change? Just a little? And what if she continues to act differently toward you over the coming days and weeks? Your perspective on her is going to soften up considerably.
On the other hand, if you were determined to hang onto that blame, in spite of any other reasons not to, you’d continue to dislike Mary, and continue to give her power over your life. So, I ask you; which would you prefer? Pain, ugliness and weakness? Or lightness and a workable relationship?
I know what you’re saying; “Tim, that sounds great and all, but what if Mary doesn’t have a change of heart? What if she continues to be that same #%&*! she’s always been?”
It’s still about how you feel about her. What if you just loved her, regardless of how she treated you, for no rational reason? You’d still be happy! Yes, you might be nuts, but you’d be happy, and that’s what you’re after. You just have to give up on your hope of vindication or revenge. You have to make the choice to let go of the blame.
So, this is ultimately about how you feel. What to do? You need to look for ways to think thoughts about Mary that will make you feel better. That’s all. They don’t even need to be true. Nor, in my opinion, do they need to be particularly nice at this point. If picturing that person falling under a bus honestly makes you feel better, then go with it. Feel better. Get a little of the weight off your chest.
Next, start looking for opportunities to think good-feeling thoughts about that person that are true, that are nice(r). Maybe you can envision them moving away, or losing your phone number. Or meeting someone else to bother, and forgetting about you entirely. It is possible.
A better choice is to focus more specifically on the person. Start with something small and unthreatening, like “She wears nice shoes.” Then, expand on that; “She really dresses very well. She has pretty good taste. I like that skirt.” Try to let your mind run with it, without yielding to the temptation to fall back into blame. “I wonder what her closet looks like… I’d love to have a closet full of clothes like that! I wonder if we’re the same size… Maybe I could borrow that white blouse with the ruffles…”
The specifics aren’t important. You get the point. You want to find things that let you just begin to think different thoughts about that person, and build on them. Follow that trail, and do your best to have fun with it!
With a little time and a little practice, you’ll find that this person no longer bothers you so much. Maybe you’ll be able to laugh (to yourself) about the things they say or do.
Something else you’re likely to find is that your relationship with them improves. If they’re truly nasty people, you’ll find (and you’re just going to have to trust me on this) that they will just not be so nasty to you, and might even treat you decently – we won’t ask for respect or friendship; some people are hard nuts to crack. You might find yourself able to have a polite conversation with them, even if it’s only about (in this example) work issues. And, hey! Wouldn’t that be enough?