Personal Fires

Few areas in life cause people as much stress as our personal relationships.  Whether it’s with a spouse, parent or other family member, friends or co-workers, relationships are prime candidates for conflict.

The good news is that relationships are changeable.  No matter who you’re having an issue with, something can be done about it.

The bad news is that that something might have to be fairly drastic.  You might have to move, quit a job, or cease contact with a relative.  These should all be considered pretty last-straw actions, but if you’re in a relationship where nothing else has worked, I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet that they’d be well worth the effort.

One thing I’ve learned is that other people are going to treat you the way you teach them to treat you.  Did you hear the underlying message?  You are responsible for the way other people treat you; not them.

A statement like that usually prompts a question in response, like “What about someone who robs you on the street?  How do you teach them how to treat you?”

There are 2 issues here:

1. How you teach them to treat you in the moment.
2. How you teach them to leave you alone in the first place.

In the moment, the way you respond to their demands speaks volumes to them.  Your body language tells them whether you are a fighter or a victim.  Do you make eye contact?  Do you fidget around nervously?  All of these things communicate to that person what they can or can’t get away with in dealing with you.

Avoiding the situation in the first place has to do with how you carry yourself in public, what kind of clothes you wear or car you drive, etc.

There is also a school of thought that says that you bring that type of people and situations into your life, and that you can also exclude them.  For more information on this concept (Law Of Attraction), you might want to take a look at my other blog: What’s Your Path?

In either case, you can decide how you will be treated by the other person.

Let’s look at a more common scenario.  I’ll use an experience from my own life as an example.

Virtually everyone has someone in their life who sees themselves as one of life’s victims.  My mother was one.  She was forever changing jobs, changing living arrangements, etc.  Her finances were always in terrible shape.  And in her mind, none of it was her fault.

I moved out of the house when I was a Senior in high school, and the summer following my graduation, my mother moved from Chicago to Tucson, AZ.  The consequence was that our relationship shifted to the telephone, rather than in person.

Mom would call me on a regular basis, and spend most of the call either complaining about something or someone, or expressing her tremendous joy and relief to have just completed a change of some kind.

It took me a long time to see the pattern, but after she was on a job for a few months, she would start complaining about how her co-workers didn’t like her; how one of them was planning to sabotage her; how they kept dumping their work on her, forcing her to do 2 jobs, or 3.  And, the boss was always in on it, just looking for a reason to get rid of her.

Then, about 6 months into the job, Mom would find another.  That phone call would be about how wonderful the new job was; the boss was so much nicer than the last one, and all of the other women in the office were just terrific.  A month or two later, the gild would be off the lily.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

On my end of the line, these calls usually resulted in my being drained of energy.  As a male of the species, my natural response to a complaint of something being broken is to suggest a way to fix it.  That would take away her victim status, however, so Mom rarely acted on any of my suggestions (although she often claimed to want my advice).

Eventually, I couldn’t take it any more, and I interrupted her litany to tell her that she couldn’t continue to do this.  She couldn’t just call me up & spend an hour complaining about everything that was wrong in her life if she wasn’t going to make an effort to do anything about it.

It didn’t go over well, but it stopped her in her tracks.  She tried to defend herself, but I pointed out to her what she was doing to me.  At one point, I told her that if she couldn’t stop, I’d have to hang up on her.

The result was that she didn’t call for a couple of months.  When she did, she commented on how she didn’t want to complain, since she knew I didn’t like it (this was a complaint in itself), but…  And, she started in.  I stopped her immediately, and asked what was going on in her life that was positive.  At least as I remember it, she couldn’t come up with anything.

It was a short call, but when we hung up, I didn’t feel like I needed a nap.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  I felt energized!  I had fixed the problem!

To be honest, the problem was not fixed.  People don’t change deeply engrained habits that quickly, and Mom would forever be looking at her life as though the world was out to get her.

But!  The way she treated me from that point on did change.  Whenever she started in, I could stop her very easily.  And, although she was always testing the waters of complaint to see how far in she could wade, keeping her close to shore was rarely ever difficult after that.

So, was this just luck that I was so successful that easily?  Yes and no.  I had a few things working in my favor:

• There was a large physical distance between us.  -luck-
• I had the power to end any interaction in an instant, simply by hanging up the telephone.  -luck-
• I had the desire to change the situation.  -not luck-
• I was willing to actually do something about it.  -not luck-

I believe that you, too, can begin to teach anyone you like just how to treat you; and you can start today.  Of the 4 items listed above, you only need the last 2.  If you can manage to add either or both of the first 2, the job will be that much easier.

Here’s my formula for change:

1. Recognize your desire for change.
2. Take action.
3. Measure your results.
4. Adjust future action as required.

Yes, Virginia, it’s that simple.  Not always easy, but the formula is simple.

The toughest part is step #2; taking action.  But, the good news in that department is that, very often, you can start small.  Baby steps.  Hmmm…  Seems to be a theme on this blog…

Does this formula apply to all relationships?  Yes.  Absolutely.  But, keep in mind that relationships are negotiated, even if no words are exchanged.  In addition, the negotiations are constant, which is why the formula works.  The only variable is in what format the negotiations take place.

_________

In this post, we’ve looked at the issue of teaching someone how to treat you in the moment, using an example of a specific tactic.  In the next, we’ll discuss the idea in more general terms.

So…?  How’s that list coming along?  Did you start it?  Or are you avoiding it?

If you haven’t started it yet, don’t read any further.  Open up your favorite word processor, start a new document, and title it “Things I’d Like To Do, Be or Have”.  Then spend just 10 minutes letting your imagination run.  Come back to this post when you’ve completed that task.

If you’re confused by the comments above, please read my last post.

Moving forward…

The thought occurred to me while I was proofreading my last post that one of the keys to being able to make changes in our lives is freedom.

If you’re reading this, chances are you live in a free country; he United States, Canada, Australia and the UK, most likely (forgive me if I’ve missed some place where English is the primary language).

In those countries, people are generally free; free to travel at will; relocate homes and businesses; say what they like, about whoever or whatever they like, to whoever they wish; do whatever makes them happy.  We are born with these freedoms, and rarely have cause to think about them.  Instead, we just take advantage of them when we choose.

But, the freedom to think the kinds of thoughts we want, and to avoid those which we’d rather not have, is both simpler and harder to achieve.  Here’s what I mean.

Want to think happy thoughts?  Watch some puppies playing.  You can’t not smile.  Simple.  And you’re free to do it if you have the desire.

Want to avoid some negative thoughts you’re having?  Watch some puppies playing.  Simple (but you have to actually watch the puppies).  And you’re free to do it if you have the desire.

The hard part is recognizing when it’s time to change your thoughts; catching yourself in the moment.  It requires a kind of double awareness.  Not only are you in the moment with your negative thoughts, but you must be able to be outside of the moment to realize the negativity.

So, how do you do that?  The short answer is practice.  The more you try to do it, the better you will become at it.  But, the problem is how to get started in the first place.

In my opinion, you’ve already started if you have the desire to make a change.  If you consciously accept and acknowledge the idea that you could be doing a better job of directing your thoughts, you will begin to notice little areas of opportunity for correction.

As I said, you’ll get better with practice, and you could just work with the ideas I’ve given you, but a better idea is to get more input.  If you read my post, “Do you measure up?“, you may remember that one of the keys I gave for getting out of the spiral of negativity is to start looking for supportive input.

There are lots of ways to get reinforcement for this process.  Use whatever method works best for you.  Some people are readers.  For them, there are countless books, newsletters, blogs, etc.  Others are more auditory.  Those folks can find many of the same books on CD, as well as webinars, radio shows and even music.  If you get more from live events, consider seminars, meetup.com, spiritual and even church groups.  There are also quite a few movies to be found.

“Sounds good, Tim, but what topic am I looking for?”  Good question.  While this is actually an old concept, you’ll find a lot of references to the idea of changing the way you think categorized under the New Age umbrella.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Think and Grow Rich
• Ask and It is Given
• Zig Ziglar
• Dennis Waitley
• Dr. Wayne Dyer

There are many others to be found, but I can personally recommend those on the list above (don’t worry, I’ll suggest more in the future!).

I do feel like I have to comment on something at this point.  If feeling good about your life, thinking positive, happy thoughts and feeling motivated are things that you’re struggling with (especially if this is a normal condition for you), it might benefit you to look at the people you are surrounding yourself with.

Chances are, your friends and family are pretty negative, if you’re having trouble in this area.  If that’s the case, the absolute best thing you could do for yourself is to get away; move out of the house, get a divorce, find new friends.  However, this is a very big step, and we’re dealing with baby steps right now.

Instead, just understand that those particular people will not be able to give you the kind of support I mentioned earlier.  They simply don’t know how.  It doesn’t make them good or bad; or you right or wrong.  It just means that you have a bigger hill to climb than someone who associates with people of a different mindset.

What I will suggest is that you begin to seek out those people who can help you with your process.  The good news is that you need only be persistent about making your changes, and those positive-minded people will be drawn to you, and you to them.

That’s all for now.

In my last post, I talked about why comparing ourselves to others is a bad idea, and I promised to provide some suggestions for how to start to make changes in your life.

There is an old saying, often used in public speaking to make a point, that says, “The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things, but expecting to get a different result.”  How many people do you know who could be hospitalized based on that definition?  Should a doctor start writing a prescription for you?

The first thing you need to do to make a change in any area of your life, is to turn your thoughts around.

Why do you need to change your thoughts?  Because what you think about is what you get.  If you want to accomplish more in your life, if you want to be motivated, you have to be able to think motivating thoughts.  If you’re down in the dumps because your relationship with the boss is strained, you must start thinking differently about it.

Sustaining those thoughts takes effort, energy and a conscious decision to do so, especially in the beginning.  So, what’s the answer?  Baby steps.  Start small, and build on your successes.

I listed the following suggestions:

• Stop comparing yourself to others.
• Stop beating yourself up about your situation.
• Start looking for supportive input.
• Take action on good ideas.

Let’s take a look at the first bullet – Stop comparing yourself to others.  Easier said than done, right?  Well, get ready – when it comes to making changes, almost everything falls into that particular category.  But, take heart!  You can do it!

The good news about comparing yourself to others is that it’s all done in your head!  It’s completely within your power to simply stop thinking that way, and there’s nothing external to you that is required.

The bad news about comparing yourself to others is that it’s all done in your head!  It’s a habit that you’ve developed over many years, and old habits can be hard to break.  Unfortunately, there’s no pill you can take, nothing you can buy, no one person to punish that can break the habit.  You’ll just have to work at it –  the same way you worked at creating the habit!

First, you need to be aware that you’re doing it, and when.  This is probably the toughest part of the whole process, since these thought patterns become second nature – we don’t have to make an effort to think them; they just come automatically.

Make an effort to be more aware of your thoughts throughout the day.  At first, it may be difficult.  Your mind will run off on tangents, and you’ll get lost in them.  That’s OK.  Just keep trying.  With practice, you’ll find that you can recognize certain thought patterns, and possibly things that trigger those patterns.

As an example, let’s say that a co-worker is the same age as you.  He or she has managed to achieve certain goals that you’re still struggling to reach.  They may not flaunt it intentionally, but when you see them in their new car, you may feel as though you’re a failure in your career.  You haven’t gone as far as fast, and you can’t see any reason why.

That’s the time to catch yourself!

Start right there to redirect your thoughts.  The past is behind you.  You’ve made your decisions and taken your actions, and they brought you to this place.  Accept where you are, and look forward toward where you want to be.  Turn your focus to what you want, and away from what you don’t have or didn’t do.

The past doesn’t matter, except as a history lesson.  The only thing that matters is how you process the circumstances you are in now, and the actions you take from this point onward.  Life is not a race, and that co-worker is not ahead of you.

So, start small.  Make a list of goals; things you’d like to have, do or be.  Don’t filter it with excuses or rationalizations.  If you’d like to be the Queen of England, put it on the list!  This isn’t about being realistic.  It’s about stimulating your subconscious mind.

Don’t worry about finishing the list in one sitting – or even finishing it at all.  We should all be continuing to add to our lists throughout our lives.

Don’t show it to anyone.  This is a list of personal dreams, desires and fantasies.  If you expect to be showing it to someone else, you will be far more likely to impose restrictions on what you include.  So, if you are a 40 year old man, and have a frivolous desire to dance down the street in a pink tutu and fireman’s boots, put it on the list!  You’re not making plans for your future here.

Allow yourself to smile, laugh, giggle, as you make this list.  A big part of the purpose of this exercise is to make you feel good.  So, the more fun you have with it, the better.

That’s it, for now.  Just get started.  Include whatever you like.  A week or a month from now, if you look over your list and see something that doesn’t appeal to you any more, you’re completely free to take it right back off the list.

So, let your imagination run!  Have some fun with this exercise, and I’ll have more to say in my next post.

Some people just seem to be born do-ers. They wake up before the alarm clock goes off, and by the time their feet hit the floor, they’ve accomplished more than the Army.* After that, the rest of their day is a whirlwind of meetings, planning sessions, shopping, lunches, media interviews, jets, yachts and luxury cars.

Well, OK… Maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but for those of us who operate at a slower pace, it can seem that way, and that can be a problem. The reason is simple; we all tend to measure ourselves against the people around us.

It’s the measuring that generates problems.

If you’re on a par with your friends, family, co-workers, etc. in terms of success in, let’s say, personal relationships, then you’re going to feel quite comfortable holding your relationships up to the light of scrutiny.

But, what if you don’t “measure up”?  What if no one in your family has ever been divorced, but you’ve been through it twice?  How is that likely to make you feel?  And what kinds of things are you likely to be saying to yourself about it?

Chances are, you’d be walking yourself down a spiraling path of negativity about how you relate to men/women/children, etc.  As your self-talk continues, the pace of descent quickens and the severity of the comments increases, which quickens the pace…

The way out is to:

• Stop comparing yourself to others.
• Stop beating yourself up about your situation.
• Start looking for supportive input.
• Take action on good ideas.

Be aware that your situation is unlikely to change overnight.  It will take a concerted effort, mostly because you’ve developed a strong habit that you need to break.

But, be aware that you can make changes in your life, in any area you choose.

We’ll have some ideas about how to do that in the next post.

*The US Army used to use a slogan in their commercials: “We do more before 9 a.m. than most people do all day.”    –editor’s note–    It makes me tired just thinking about it. Not exactly a motivator to enlist…