Personal Fires

You are far more likely to receive the kind of treatment you expect than that which you do not expect.

In my last post, I said that “relationships are negotiated, even if no words are exchanged.  In addition, the negotiations are constant…” This means that how you relate with other people is not pre-determined, and can be changed at any time, by either party.  (We all have relationships with everything in our worlds, but for the purposes of this post, the conversation is limited to relationships with people.)

Let’s say you go to dinner at an upscale restaurant.  Long before you arrive, you will have created certain expectations about how you will be treated by the staff of the restaurant – from the parking valets on up.

Those expectations are based on many things; previous experiences with that particular restaurant, or similar; input you’ve received from sources such as friends, media reviews of the restaurant, or even TV shows.

But, just as importantly, your self-image, and the way you view your place in the world, will pre-determine your expectations.  If you see yourself as a victim, or somehow unworthy of dining at a restaurant of that caliber, you will carry yourself differently than if you see yourself as worthy of the finest that life has to offer.

That viewpoint will broadcast itself to everyone you come into contact with during this event, through body language, speech patterns, eye contact, etc.  Unfortunately, animals (and humans are animals)  seem to be wired to take advantage of situations when there is an opportunity.  So, if you’re broadcasting weakness or uncertainty, others will pick up on it and exploit it.

This might be evidenced by the valet speeding off in your car right in front of you, spinning the tires and revving the engine.  Inside, the maitre d’ might treat you a bit less personally than other diners, and seat you at a table near the kitchen.  Then, it might be an unusually long time before your waiter arrives, or for your food to arrive, once you’ve ordered.  You get the picture…

After a night like this, you might leave thinking, “I’ll never go back there again.  The service was crappy.  I don’t know what all the hype is about.”

So, who’s to blame?  (Blame is a good topic for another discussion.)  Should anyone you encountered during the evening  have treated you any less spectacularly than they treated anyone else there?  No, of course not.  But they did because you invited them to do it.  You showed weakness, and the pack took advantage of it.  It’s what happens.

So, the natural question is, “How do I avoid this in the future?”

If you’re interested in an answer from a metaphysical standpoint, look for information on the Law Of Attraction.  I have a blog called What’s Your Path? that gives my interpretations of it.

In more (apparently) practical terms, your self-image is the problem.  If you think you’re a failure; you can’t do anything right; you never win; life is hard; you don’t earn enough money; you don’t have a nice enough car, or house, or watch, or clothes…  All of those mindsets are prescriptions for failure.

What to do?  Anything! Anything that gives you a strong possibility for success.  Find some kind of activity that holds a certain amount of challenge for you, but one that you also believe you have a good chance of accomplishing.

The goal here is to do something that makes you feel good about yourself for having done it; something you can be proud of, even in a small way.  If you’re overweight because you don’t eat right and don’t exercise, get up and do something.  Go walk a mile.  Or ride a bike for 5.  Anything that will make you feel better about yourself for having done it.

Once you believe that you can accomplish that goal at will, that there is no more challenge, no more question, it’s time to step up to something harder.  To stay with the example above, increase your target to 2 miles on foot, or 10 miles on the bike.  Whatever!  The numbers aren’t important.  What is important is to give yourself obtainable goals.

What will happen is that as you reach your goals, you will begin to develop more and more confidence that you can reach bigger goals, and you will begin to set more difficult, but still believable, targets for yourself.

With time, you’ll look forward to the act of tackling the challenge as much as achieving the goal, because it’s the journey that makes the goal feel worthwhile.  It’s the effort that gives the goal value.

When you regularly accomplish those things which you set out to do, your self-image will be far improved over what it is currently.  And, it won’t be inflated ego.  It will be self-confidence based on proven performance and tangible results.

And, somewhere along the line, your experience at that upscale restaurant will be very different, and much more pleasant.

In my next post, I’ll talk about a different kind of method to use to improve the way your relationships with people develop.

So…?  How’s that list coming along?  Did you start it?  Or are you avoiding it?

If you haven’t started it yet, don’t read any further.  Open up your favorite word processor, start a new document, and title it “Things I’d Like To Do, Be or Have”.  Then spend just 10 minutes letting your imagination run.  Come back to this post when you’ve completed that task.

If you’re confused by the comments above, please read my last post.

Moving forward…

The thought occurred to me while I was proofreading my last post that one of the keys to being able to make changes in our lives is freedom.

If you’re reading this, chances are you live in a free country; he United States, Canada, Australia and the UK, most likely (forgive me if I’ve missed some place where English is the primary language).

In those countries, people are generally free; free to travel at will; relocate homes and businesses; say what they like, about whoever or whatever they like, to whoever they wish; do whatever makes them happy.  We are born with these freedoms, and rarely have cause to think about them.  Instead, we just take advantage of them when we choose.

But, the freedom to think the kinds of thoughts we want, and to avoid those which we’d rather not have, is both simpler and harder to achieve.  Here’s what I mean.

Want to think happy thoughts?  Watch some puppies playing.  You can’t not smile.  Simple.  And you’re free to do it if you have the desire.

Want to avoid some negative thoughts you’re having?  Watch some puppies playing.  Simple (but you have to actually watch the puppies).  And you’re free to do it if you have the desire.

The hard part is recognizing when it’s time to change your thoughts; catching yourself in the moment.  It requires a kind of double awareness.  Not only are you in the moment with your negative thoughts, but you must be able to be outside of the moment to realize the negativity.

So, how do you do that?  The short answer is practice.  The more you try to do it, the better you will become at it.  But, the problem is how to get started in the first place.

In my opinion, you’ve already started if you have the desire to make a change.  If you consciously accept and acknowledge the idea that you could be doing a better job of directing your thoughts, you will begin to notice little areas of opportunity for correction.

As I said, you’ll get better with practice, and you could just work with the ideas I’ve given you, but a better idea is to get more input.  If you read my post, “Do you measure up?“, you may remember that one of the keys I gave for getting out of the spiral of negativity is to start looking for supportive input.

There are lots of ways to get reinforcement for this process.  Use whatever method works best for you.  Some people are readers.  For them, there are countless books, newsletters, blogs, etc.  Others are more auditory.  Those folks can find many of the same books on CD, as well as webinars, radio shows and even music.  If you get more from live events, consider seminars, meetup.com, spiritual and even church groups.  There are also quite a few movies to be found.

“Sounds good, Tim, but what topic am I looking for?”  Good question.  While this is actually an old concept, you’ll find a lot of references to the idea of changing the way you think categorized under the New Age umbrella.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Think and Grow Rich
• Ask and It is Given
• Zig Ziglar
• Dennis Waitley
• Dr. Wayne Dyer

There are many others to be found, but I can personally recommend those on the list above (don’t worry, I’ll suggest more in the future!).

I do feel like I have to comment on something at this point.  If feeling good about your life, thinking positive, happy thoughts and feeling motivated are things that you’re struggling with (especially if this is a normal condition for you), it might benefit you to look at the people you are surrounding yourself with.

Chances are, your friends and family are pretty negative, if you’re having trouble in this area.  If that’s the case, the absolute best thing you could do for yourself is to get away; move out of the house, get a divorce, find new friends.  However, this is a very big step, and we’re dealing with baby steps right now.

Instead, just understand that those particular people will not be able to give you the kind of support I mentioned earlier.  They simply don’t know how.  It doesn’t make them good or bad; or you right or wrong.  It just means that you have a bigger hill to climb than someone who associates with people of a different mindset.

What I will suggest is that you begin to seek out those people who can help you with your process.  The good news is that you need only be persistent about making your changes, and those positive-minded people will be drawn to you, and you to them.

That’s all for now.

Some people just seem to be born do-ers. They wake up before the alarm clock goes off, and by the time their feet hit the floor, they’ve accomplished more than the Army.* After that, the rest of their day is a whirlwind of meetings, planning sessions, shopping, lunches, media interviews, jets, yachts and luxury cars.

Well, OK… Maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but for those of us who operate at a slower pace, it can seem that way, and that can be a problem. The reason is simple; we all tend to measure ourselves against the people around us.

It’s the measuring that generates problems.

If you’re on a par with your friends, family, co-workers, etc. in terms of success in, let’s say, personal relationships, then you’re going to feel quite comfortable holding your relationships up to the light of scrutiny.

But, what if you don’t “measure up”?  What if no one in your family has ever been divorced, but you’ve been through it twice?  How is that likely to make you feel?  And what kinds of things are you likely to be saying to yourself about it?

Chances are, you’d be walking yourself down a spiraling path of negativity about how you relate to men/women/children, etc.  As your self-talk continues, the pace of descent quickens and the severity of the comments increases, which quickens the pace…

The way out is to:

• Stop comparing yourself to others.
• Stop beating yourself up about your situation.
• Start looking for supportive input.
• Take action on good ideas.

Be aware that your situation is unlikely to change overnight.  It will take a concerted effort, mostly because you’ve developed a strong habit that you need to break.

But, be aware that you can make changes in your life, in any area you choose.

We’ll have some ideas about how to do that in the next post.

*The US Army used to use a slogan in their commercials: “We do more before 9 a.m. than most people do all day.”    –editor’s note–    It makes me tired just thinking about it. Not exactly a motivator to enlist…