Personal Fires

Article by Lloyd from Clear Mind Meditation Techniques

“10 ways to create happiness in your life – Right now”

Before I get into the body of this post I’d like to clarify a few things about what to expect from it. Originally the thought came to mind of writing about several items which you can do to put a smile on your face right now. I wanted to outline, what you might call, quick fixes. While I do want to include a few items like that, I realized that happiness isn’t always a short term pursuit. Happiness is most enjoyed when it is built on a strong foundation of personal understanding.

For the sake of  pointing something out, here is a question to gauge your perspective on happiness. What do you think will make you happier, a chocolate bar, or completing a college education? It seems like a silly question. Of course there is no comparison between the two, but most likely you still had an answer. In actuality it was kind of a trick question. Research has shown that we are terrible at predicting what will make us happy.

You may have already noticed this in your day-to-day life. You get something which you’ve been striving for only to experience joy for much less time than you anticipated. Maybe though, the focus should be elswehere. How did you feel prior to attaining your goal? Research seems to back up the saying “Success is a journey, not a destination”.  University of Wisconsin neuroscientist Richard Davidson has found that focused attention towards a goal, along with motivated effort, activates pleasurable feelings of significance and purpose as well as counteracting negative emotions.

My hope is that you will walk away from reading this with a deeper understanding of how to achieve satisfaction in life. We can’t always expect to have instant happiness, life just doesn’t work that way. If we really hope to achieve lasting happiness, I believe its worth investing some time to truly understand it.

1- Decide that happiness is part of your character

Character is higher than intellect… A great soul will be strong to live, as well as to think. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

We would all like to have more happiness in our lives. This desire is so universal that countless hours of research have been spent on discovering the root causes of happiness. It would be nice if you could read a few magic words, understand it, and magically have happiness in your life. For some reason it doesn’t seem to work like that. You can read about happiness until you are blue in the face, but it won’t do a bit of difference until you decide to take action in your life.

The wonderful thing about this, is that you can make it happen. That is probably one of the most exciting aspects of what it means to be human. We are dynamic beings who are capable of self-directed positive action. Building your character with this thought in mind will help you become impervious to negative thinking. Remaining focused on positive feelings will allow you to  constantly move forward in happiness.

We are not simple creatures, so there certainly won’t be one easy way to fix our problems. This is why it’s necessary to build a strong mental foundation to prevent negative emotions from taking root. Experiencing unhappiness is fine, everyone goes through tough times sooner or later. It’s what we do with the experience that will lay the groundwork for how we feel as time passes. Now, are you someone who is going to make the most of a situation, or are you going to let the situation defeat you? Often negative emotions stir up when we feel overwhelmed. Frustration, resentment and fear occur because we experience circumstances in life where we don’t have control. We fall short of the mark in some way. Not knowing how to respond in a positive way forces us to act out with a coping mechanism.  We must realize the negative emotions for what they are. These negative emotions do not make us who we are. Rather they are passing feelings which we can use to guide us. As long as we make the conscious decision to take the energy of those feelings, and redirect them in a positive way, we can move forward towards creating happiness.

You are the only one who can make that decision. How you react to circumstances in your life  depends greatly on your self-image. The values you hold, and the way you see yourself help define your character. While changing your character may not happen over night. You can begin to build it by taking responsibility for your decisions.  Your personal growth will develop the self-image you carry.  Since you have made the decision not to let negative emotions control your actions, you already realize the need to transform them.

Train yourself to look at negative emotion as a guide post. When you experience them, you know you are headed in the wrong direction. With a strong character, you can steer yourself away from feelings which will have you moving down the wrong path.  When you feel that something is not right, trust yourself. Do the right thing, and happiness is sure to follow.

2-Set goals, work towards them
As stated in the introduction, sometimes it’s not acquiring or achieving something which brings happiness. Working towards a worthwhile endeavor in life often brings as much, if not more satisfaction, than it’s attainment.

If you were to look at your life right in an honest manner, then you may find that the root of your unhappiness is a deep-seated desire for change. it may be change that you don’t see as possible in the present moment. The need for change can be the source of feelings which you hide from yourself in order to get by. Confronting these feelings is a good way to recognize something worthwhile to work towards. Negative feelings are not always bad. If we pay attention to them we can learn from them. Stress or frustration comes from discontent. What is the source of this discontent? Take some time to question feelings you may have been hiding. Even if you aren’t able to attack your loftier goals directly, you may be able to set smaller goals which help you get to where you need to be. When it comes to goal setting, be realistic. Nothing can set you back more than disappointing yourself with an unattainable goal. Don’t add to the frustration by setting yourself up for failure.

Working towards a goal can also keep us thinking about the positive aspects of our future. Setting a goal eliminates the stress associated with indecision. When there are too many options available to us, it causes hesitation. Thinking about lost opportunities, or other options, keeps us caught in the past. It’s what psychologist Barry Schwartz calls the “Paradox of choice”.

You’ve found your way onto this site. Which means you probably have self-improvement goals that your working towards. Visiting this site is one thing, but clearly defining what you hope to achieve is something else entirely. When you set a goal and begin to work towards it, acknowledge your efforts. Recognizing the positive actions you’re taking will change the way you see your present circumstances. When you lose yourself in your work, the way you view things seems to transform on its own.

3-Call a friend
Positive psychologist Chris Peterson says that building strong personal relationships should be one of your highest priorities. But I’m sure you already knew that. Which is why the suggestion to call a friend has already put a smile on your face. Connecting with someone in a meaningful way provides rewards on many levels. Having someone there for you when you need to vent is just one of them. Just because you need to vent, your friend will not think less of you. We all need to vent. If you are there for them when they need a shoulder to lean on, then chances are they will help you through your tough times. Rather than looking at you as weak, the opportunity to help you, will build trust in the relationship. You will be seen as someone who isn’t afraid to let down their guard and show their true self. We are social creatures, with a wide range of emotions. Sharing what you really think will give you a chance to listen to another point of view. Usually when a friend shares their perspective, situations seem less daunting. If you have a friend with a good sense of humor, all the better.

Build a social circle of positive people. The uplifting spirit is contagious. Surrounded by people who see opportunitues, rather than difficult times, is a sure way to change your perspective.

4-Let go
Letting go can feel as if a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Every moment can be new again when we learn to let go. The decision lies within yourself to begin the process. Often a practice of meditation can help you develop this ability. Some people  may be capable of recognizing their negative mental processes, and simply shutting them down.

Letting go does not have to mean leaving a conflict unresolved. Instead it allows us to resolve this conflict with all of the resources at our disposal. Try resolving a conflict when you cannot let go of a particular thought process. Chances are that you will end up in a self defeating circle. Dropping all of the mental chatter which is distracting you from your goals will give you clarity.

So how do you let go exactly? Take a deep breath, relax your shoulders and tell yourself that you want to. All of those meandering thoughts running through your mind are being consciously created. When you consciously tell yourself to stop, you remove the process. You control your mental processes, not the other way around. The mind is presenting what it believes to be solutions to your current situation. Sometimes they work, while often they might be remnants of old patterns of thinking.

“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them” – Albert Einstein

Choose to free yourself from circular patterns of thought. Freeing up your mind to move forward in the moment will give you a chance to live each moment happily.

5-Live your values
Living your values will put a smile on your face each and every time. I would also place this suggestion under the category of character building. It may come easier for some individuals and can also be dependent on individual circumstances. Regardless of present circumstances, it’s still well worth the effort to ensure that you are acting in a way which is inline with your self-image.

There may be times in life which cause us to act in a way that does not fall in line with correct action. Some of these situations involve things which we never envisioned taking place; such as losing a job or someone causing harm to a family member. In difficult times it might be easy to rationalize an incorrect course of action. In cases like this, it’s best to remember that you are not your thoughts or actions. They are transient experiences, which must be learned from, if you are going to change in a positive direction.

Realizing the transient nature of these actions or feelings will allow you to course correct for the future.

Take for instance someone who is working in a sales job to maintain their finances. It’s quite possible that they are selling a product they don’t truly stand behind. This can be the cause of mixed emotions. How do you get by day-to-day when you are acting in a way which you don’t think is correct?

Another example can be someone who is promoted to an executive position within their company. What happens when they become overwhelmed with work, but need the income to support their family? Even though it may be a position that took a great deal of effort to attain, the individual might not be happy. It then becomes of vital importance to reconcile what is most important to the individual. Once the decision is made about what holds greater importance, then taking action to make it reality becomes paramount.

Removing cognitive dissonance from your life will help you live with conviction. Knowing that your actions fall in line with your values will create certainty in your mind. This  certainty leads to confident behavior along with correct action. With such positive action in your life there is no doubt  that happiness will accompany everything that you do.

In my next post, I’ll give you 5 more ideas for creating happiness in your life – right now!

So…?  How’s that list coming along?  Did you start it?  Or are you avoiding it?

If you haven’t started it yet, don’t read any further.  Open up your favorite word processor, start a new document, and title it “Things I’d Like To Do, Be or Have”.  Then spend just 10 minutes letting your imagination run.  Come back to this post when you’ve completed that task.

If you’re confused by the comments above, please read my last post.

Moving forward…

The thought occurred to me while I was proofreading my last post that one of the keys to being able to make changes in our lives is freedom.

If you’re reading this, chances are you live in a free country; he United States, Canada, Australia and the UK, most likely (forgive me if I’ve missed some place where English is the primary language).

In those countries, people are generally free; free to travel at will; relocate homes and businesses; say what they like, about whoever or whatever they like, to whoever they wish; do whatever makes them happy.  We are born with these freedoms, and rarely have cause to think about them.  Instead, we just take advantage of them when we choose.

But, the freedom to think the kinds of thoughts we want, and to avoid those which we’d rather not have, is both simpler and harder to achieve.  Here’s what I mean.

Want to think happy thoughts?  Watch some puppies playing.  You can’t not smile.  Simple.  And you’re free to do it if you have the desire.

Want to avoid some negative thoughts you’re having?  Watch some puppies playing.  Simple (but you have to actually watch the puppies).  And you’re free to do it if you have the desire.

The hard part is recognizing when it’s time to change your thoughts; catching yourself in the moment.  It requires a kind of double awareness.  Not only are you in the moment with your negative thoughts, but you must be able to be outside of the moment to realize the negativity.

So, how do you do that?  The short answer is practice.  The more you try to do it, the better you will become at it.  But, the problem is how to get started in the first place.

In my opinion, you’ve already started if you have the desire to make a change.  If you consciously accept and acknowledge the idea that you could be doing a better job of directing your thoughts, you will begin to notice little areas of opportunity for correction.

As I said, you’ll get better with practice, and you could just work with the ideas I’ve given you, but a better idea is to get more input.  If you read my post, “Do you measure up?“, you may remember that one of the keys I gave for getting out of the spiral of negativity is to start looking for supportive input.

There are lots of ways to get reinforcement for this process.  Use whatever method works best for you.  Some people are readers.  For them, there are countless books, newsletters, blogs, etc.  Others are more auditory.  Those folks can find many of the same books on CD, as well as webinars, radio shows and even music.  If you get more from live events, consider seminars, meetup.com, spiritual and even church groups.  There are also quite a few movies to be found.

“Sounds good, Tim, but what topic am I looking for?”  Good question.  While this is actually an old concept, you’ll find a lot of references to the idea of changing the way you think categorized under the New Age umbrella.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Think and Grow Rich
• Ask and It is Given
• Zig Ziglar
• Dennis Waitley
• Dr. Wayne Dyer

There are many others to be found, but I can personally recommend those on the list above (don’t worry, I’ll suggest more in the future!).

I do feel like I have to comment on something at this point.  If feeling good about your life, thinking positive, happy thoughts and feeling motivated are things that you’re struggling with (especially if this is a normal condition for you), it might benefit you to look at the people you are surrounding yourself with.

Chances are, your friends and family are pretty negative, if you’re having trouble in this area.  If that’s the case, the absolute best thing you could do for yourself is to get away; move out of the house, get a divorce, find new friends.  However, this is a very big step, and we’re dealing with baby steps right now.

Instead, just understand that those particular people will not be able to give you the kind of support I mentioned earlier.  They simply don’t know how.  It doesn’t make them good or bad; or you right or wrong.  It just means that you have a bigger hill to climb than someone who associates with people of a different mindset.

What I will suggest is that you begin to seek out those people who can help you with your process.  The good news is that you need only be persistent about making your changes, and those positive-minded people will be drawn to you, and you to them.

That’s all for now.

In my last post, I talked about why comparing ourselves to others is a bad idea, and I promised to provide some suggestions for how to start to make changes in your life.

There is an old saying, often used in public speaking to make a point, that says, “The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things, but expecting to get a different result.”  How many people do you know who could be hospitalized based on that definition?  Should a doctor start writing a prescription for you?

The first thing you need to do to make a change in any area of your life, is to turn your thoughts around.

Why do you need to change your thoughts?  Because what you think about is what you get.  If you want to accomplish more in your life, if you want to be motivated, you have to be able to think motivating thoughts.  If you’re down in the dumps because your relationship with the boss is strained, you must start thinking differently about it.

Sustaining those thoughts takes effort, energy and a conscious decision to do so, especially in the beginning.  So, what’s the answer?  Baby steps.  Start small, and build on your successes.

I listed the following suggestions:

• Stop comparing yourself to others.
• Stop beating yourself up about your situation.
• Start looking for supportive input.
• Take action on good ideas.

Let’s take a look at the first bullet – Stop comparing yourself to others.  Easier said than done, right?  Well, get ready – when it comes to making changes, almost everything falls into that particular category.  But, take heart!  You can do it!

The good news about comparing yourself to others is that it’s all done in your head!  It’s completely within your power to simply stop thinking that way, and there’s nothing external to you that is required.

The bad news about comparing yourself to others is that it’s all done in your head!  It’s a habit that you’ve developed over many years, and old habits can be hard to break.  Unfortunately, there’s no pill you can take, nothing you can buy, no one person to punish that can break the habit.  You’ll just have to work at it –  the same way you worked at creating the habit!

First, you need to be aware that you’re doing it, and when.  This is probably the toughest part of the whole process, since these thought patterns become second nature – we don’t have to make an effort to think them; they just come automatically.

Make an effort to be more aware of your thoughts throughout the day.  At first, it may be difficult.  Your mind will run off on tangents, and you’ll get lost in them.  That’s OK.  Just keep trying.  With practice, you’ll find that you can recognize certain thought patterns, and possibly things that trigger those patterns.

As an example, let’s say that a co-worker is the same age as you.  He or she has managed to achieve certain goals that you’re still struggling to reach.  They may not flaunt it intentionally, but when you see them in their new car, you may feel as though you’re a failure in your career.  You haven’t gone as far as fast, and you can’t see any reason why.

That’s the time to catch yourself!

Start right there to redirect your thoughts.  The past is behind you.  You’ve made your decisions and taken your actions, and they brought you to this place.  Accept where you are, and look forward toward where you want to be.  Turn your focus to what you want, and away from what you don’t have or didn’t do.

The past doesn’t matter, except as a history lesson.  The only thing that matters is how you process the circumstances you are in now, and the actions you take from this point onward.  Life is not a race, and that co-worker is not ahead of you.

So, start small.  Make a list of goals; things you’d like to have, do or be.  Don’t filter it with excuses or rationalizations.  If you’d like to be the Queen of England, put it on the list!  This isn’t about being realistic.  It’s about stimulating your subconscious mind.

Don’t worry about finishing the list in one sitting – or even finishing it at all.  We should all be continuing to add to our lists throughout our lives.

Don’t show it to anyone.  This is a list of personal dreams, desires and fantasies.  If you expect to be showing it to someone else, you will be far more likely to impose restrictions on what you include.  So, if you are a 40 year old man, and have a frivolous desire to dance down the street in a pink tutu and fireman’s boots, put it on the list!  You’re not making plans for your future here.

Allow yourself to smile, laugh, giggle, as you make this list.  A big part of the purpose of this exercise is to make you feel good.  So, the more fun you have with it, the better.

That’s it, for now.  Just get started.  Include whatever you like.  A week or a month from now, if you look over your list and see something that doesn’t appeal to you any more, you’re completely free to take it right back off the list.

So, let your imagination run!  Have some fun with this exercise, and I’ll have more to say in my next post.

Some people just seem to be born do-ers. They wake up before the alarm clock goes off, and by the time their feet hit the floor, they’ve accomplished more than the Army.* After that, the rest of their day is a whirlwind of meetings, planning sessions, shopping, lunches, media interviews, jets, yachts and luxury cars.

Well, OK… Maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but for those of us who operate at a slower pace, it can seem that way, and that can be a problem. The reason is simple; we all tend to measure ourselves against the people around us.

It’s the measuring that generates problems.

If you’re on a par with your friends, family, co-workers, etc. in terms of success in, let’s say, personal relationships, then you’re going to feel quite comfortable holding your relationships up to the light of scrutiny.

But, what if you don’t “measure up”?  What if no one in your family has ever been divorced, but you’ve been through it twice?  How is that likely to make you feel?  And what kinds of things are you likely to be saying to yourself about it?

Chances are, you’d be walking yourself down a spiraling path of negativity about how you relate to men/women/children, etc.  As your self-talk continues, the pace of descent quickens and the severity of the comments increases, which quickens the pace…

The way out is to:

• Stop comparing yourself to others.
• Stop beating yourself up about your situation.
• Start looking for supportive input.
• Take action on good ideas.

Be aware that your situation is unlikely to change overnight.  It will take a concerted effort, mostly because you’ve developed a strong habit that you need to break.

But, be aware that you can make changes in your life, in any area you choose.

We’ll have some ideas about how to do that in the next post.

*The US Army used to use a slogan in their commercials: “We do more before 9 a.m. than most people do all day.”    –editor’s note–    It makes me tired just thinking about it. Not exactly a motivator to enlist…