Personal Fires

In my last post, I listed 5 ways to create happiness in your life – right now!  Here are ideas 6-10.

6-Accept things as they are – Especially yourself
Self-acceptance can be a profound step towards realizing your happiness. I say realizing your happiness, because it lies inherently within, always waiting for a chance to be brought out.

We all spend a great deal of our time attempting to live up to standards of society. Whether it’s the standards which your parents or friends set for you, we are constantly trying to make others happy. Doing this sets us up to live a life which is not our own. Reclaiming your life is one of the most powerful things you can choose to do, in order to assure your own happiness.

As much effort as you place into making others happy, you will never be able to fulfill all of their expectations. It is up to them to assure their own happiness. So the best thing you can do for them, is to live your life while helping them realize their own inherent beauty.

“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. ” – Salvador Dali

As people we are innately imperfect. We will always contain a vision of what we hope to be, which will exceed what we actually are. There are people out there who have achieved high levels of success but still cannot find satisfaction.  Holding yourself to a high standard is good. It becomes a hindrance though, when you compare yourself to an ideal self which you haven’t had time to actualize. Seeing yourself as capable of accomplishing everything you hope to, is healthy for your self-image. We have to realize though that the self that we want to be, may not always be in line with the self that we are. You cannot compare the two. You are perfect even with all of your perceived shortcomings. The self-image begins to suffer when we compare ourselves to an ideal self, or judge our achievements against someone else’s. Recognize this habit when you do it, and cut it from your mental process.

An excellent way to grow the habit of self-acceptance is to practice metta meditation. This meditation is also known as “loving-kindness meditation”. It will allow you to truly accept things as they are, while extending the same compassion to others. This practice will help you build strong personal relationships which is important to living a life full of happiness.

7-Feel your breath.
I mean really FEEL your breath.  If you practice meditation then you realize how much importance is placed on breathing. For good reason.

Focusing on the breath does several positive things for us.
- Switches focus from mental chatter to present awareness
- Slows you down, removing the sense of being rushed
- Relaxes the sympathetic nervous system (Which is activated in times of stress)
- Proper breathing brings more oxygen into your system

When you focus on the breath,  your body, your mind and sense of time will come to focus on this single point. Enough cannot be said about the positive effects of focusing on your breath.  There are several techniques which can guide you to developing a healthy breathing method. Breathing properly will alleviate some of the stress caused by tense muscles, along with other symptoms caused by misuse of the body.

The body is a structure composed of several finely balanced systems. We use these systems in such harsh ways all throughout the day. This use can take its toll in many forms. By establishing good breathing habits, we can come to notice the balance which needs to be maintained in our body. The balancing effects of proper breathing will extend to balancing the mind and emotions. Regulating emotions will help you become more in tune with a state of happiness, even in times of stress.

8-Listen to some music
Everyone should have a musical selection which lifts their mood. Whether its an old album which reminds you of your youth, or a cutting edge band which gives you a good vibe, choose something that speaks to your soul.

There is a ton of music out there. Just because it’s played on the radio doesn’t mean it’s good.  Take some time to get familiar with bands which aren’t found on the pop charts. Try listening to something which you hadn’t considered before. Classical music isn’t strictly for college professors or doctor’s office waiting rooms. At the same time, all Hip-Hop isn’t necessarily strictly for urban youth.

You may be surprised at what really moves you. Inspiring messages can be found in music across cultures. Which is why it’s so important to open yourself up to trying new things.

If you’re really having trouble finding something,  just ask a friend who their favorite band is. Hopefully you’ll discover something which is entertaining as well as enlightening.

Recently I’ve been enjoying the genre of  ambient music. Ambient music is great for playing in the background while you work because it doesn’t  have a vocal track. The laid back instrumentals really help you stay focused while providing an uplifting rhythm to keep you energized. If your interested in something like this, then check out the multitude of stations available on itunes radio. I find that the “Groove Salad” station always seems to play just what I need at the time. To access it, download the itunes player (http://www.apple.com/itunes/); then on the left hand side, under library, you will be able to select “radio”. From there you will see the available genres.

It may take a bit of searching but I’m certain you’ll find something there which suits your needs. Best of luck and happy listening!

9-Doodle
I love to draw. It calms my nerves and clears my mind.  Sometimes though it can become frustrating.  It only becomes frustrating though, when trying to create something which must live up to a critical judgment.   Thats why I recommend doodling.  Not only is it great practice for training visual memory, but also,  anyone can do it . Chances are pretty good that you doodled through most of your boring classes in school.

Doodling is fantastic, because it allows you to really let go. There is no particular aim with doodling, so there is no judgmental voice. Whether you scratch out a few squiggly lines, or draw a stick figure army, it’s going to release stress.

Doodling can be compared to something like stream-writing. It’s a tool which we can use to access areas of the subconscious. When you doodle with no particular aim, then whatever is on your mind will just jump out onto the paper. Often this happens without you even realizing it.

Just set some time aside and tell yourself that you are not going to focus on anything else but this task.  If you are more of a verbal than visual person though, you may prefer stream-writing. Either way, be sure to set about 10 minutes aside for the task. Remind yourself that this is the only thing that is important right now while letting your mind forget about your worries. Then, doodle to your heart’s content.

The more you focus on what you’re doing then the more you will forget about you worries. Have fun, and draw something crazy. How often do you get to exercise your imagination during the work day? This could be just the mental stretch you needed to help you express your inner child.

10-Watch a comedy bit
There are so many great comedy routines out there.  Comedy has evolved so much thanks to the work of comics who were not afraid to push their boundaries. There’s no need to listen to comic legends just to get a hearty laugh though.  Whether you like lighthearted humor, or a clever play on words, you should be able to find what you are looking for online.  Just do a quick search on youtube for your favorite comedian. You might not find the routine you were looking for, but it’s possible that you’ll find material which you never knew existed.

Laughing is a good way to take a mental break. There is a reason that people say laughter is the best medicine. Humor is at the heart of what it means to be alive. When we take life too seriously we become worn out. Humor is a quick way to inject a bit of happiness in your life when you need it most.

If you don’t have time to read and apply everything here, do the next best thing and watch this video: Don’t Worry Be Happy!

In my last post, we looked at the idea that you bear the primary responsibility for how other people treat you.  This time, I want to offer a technique for making long-term changes in those problem relationships.

Here’s a subject most of us have to deal with at some point in our lives – some of us seem to have it as a regular feature!  – that annoying co-worker/family member/acquaintance.

You know who this is.  You start clenching your jaw, or grinding your teeth when they enter the room.  Or you suddenly have an upset stomach because they called you on the phone.  How do you avoid interacting with these people?

Answer: you don’t.  In some rare cases, you might be able to get your husband to agree to move away from his mother’s neighborhood, or you might be able to change jobs.  But, generally speaking, those aren’t options that are easily taken.

Instead, you need to find a way to view those people differently.  You need to be able to change the way you feel about them. This is what you really want.

That statement won’t sit well with some people.  They’ll want to be able to assign blame, to make that other person wrong.  But, blame won’t improve the situation.  It can only make it worse.  Even though, in the moment it might feel better to claim the title of Victim, that very act gives away your power, which leads to more negative feelings, more blame, less power, etc., etc.,  It’s an ugly downward spiral.

Let me suggest a scenario for you: Next Monday morning, you go in to work,  and Mary, that #%&*! from Accounting, approaches you and asks if she can speak to you in private.  You follow her into her office, and she closes the door.  As you take a seat, she proceeds to offer an apology for the way she’s been treating you.  She says she has just recently realized how she had been acting, and wants to apologize.  As a token peace offering, she hands you a small box with a ribbon around it.

(What’s in the box is irrelevant.  Go with it.  Just assume it’s a nice little present.)  Even if you are wary about accepting her apology at face value, isn’t your perception of her going to change?  Just a little?  And what if she continues to act differently toward you over the coming days and weeks?  Your perspective on her is going to soften up considerably.

On the other hand, if you were determined to hang onto that blame, in spite of any other reasons not to, you’d continue to dislike Mary, and continue to give her power over your life.  So, I ask you; which would you prefer?  Pain, ugliness and weakness?  Or lightness and a workable relationship?

I know what you’re saying; “Tim, that sounds great and all, but what if Mary doesn’t have a change of heart?  What if she continues to be that same #%&*! she’s always been?”

It’s still about how you feel about her.  What if you just loved her, regardless of how she treated you, for no rational reason?  You’d still be happy! Yes, you might be nuts, but you’d be happy, and that’s what you’re after.  You just have to give up on your hope of vindication or revenge.  You have to make the choice to let go of the blame.

So, this is ultimately about how you feel.  What to do?  You need to look for ways to think thoughts about Mary that will make you feel better.  That’s all.  They don’t even need to be true.  Nor, in my opinion, do they need to be  particularly nice at this point.  If picturing that person falling under a bus honestly makes you feel better, then go with it.  Feel better.  Get a little of the weight off your chest.

Next, start looking for opportunities to think good-feeling thoughts about that person that are true, that are nice(r).  Maybe you can envision them moving away, or losing your phone number.  Or meeting someone else to bother, and forgetting about you entirely.  It is possible.

A better choice is to focus more specifically on the person.  Start with something small and unthreatening, like “She wears nice shoes.”  Then, expand on that; “She really dresses very well.  She has pretty good taste.  I like that skirt.”  Try to let your mind run with it, without yielding to the temptation to fall back into blame.  “I wonder what her closet looks like…  I’d love to have a closet full of clothes like that!  I wonder if we’re the same size…  Maybe I could borrow that white blouse with the ruffles…”

The specifics aren’t important.  You get the point.  You want to find things that let you just begin to think different thoughts about that person, and build on them.  Follow that trail, and do your best to have fun with it!

With a little time and a little practice, you’ll find that this person no longer bothers you so much.  Maybe you’ll be able to laugh (to yourself) about the things they say or do.

Something else you’re likely to find is that your relationship with them improves.  If they’re truly nasty people, you’ll find (and you’re just going to have to trust me on this) that they will just not be so nasty to you, and might even treat you decently – we won’t ask for respect or friendship; some people are hard nuts to crack.  You might find yourself able to have a polite conversation with them, even if it’s only about (in this example) work issues.  And, hey!  Wouldn’t that be enough?

Article by Lloyd from Clear Mind Meditation Techniques

“10 ways to create happiness in your life – Right now”

Before I get into the body of this post I’d like to clarify a few things about what to expect from it. Originally the thought came to mind of writing about several items which you can do to put a smile on your face right now. I wanted to outline, what you might call, quick fixes. While I do want to include a few items like that, I realized that happiness isn’t always a short term pursuit. Happiness is most enjoyed when it is built on a strong foundation of personal understanding.

For the sake of  pointing something out, here is a question to gauge your perspective on happiness. What do you think will make you happier, a chocolate bar, or completing a college education? It seems like a silly question. Of course there is no comparison between the two, but most likely you still had an answer. In actuality it was kind of a trick question. Research has shown that we are terrible at predicting what will make us happy.

You may have already noticed this in your day-to-day life. You get something which you’ve been striving for only to experience joy for much less time than you anticipated. Maybe though, the focus should be elswehere. How did you feel prior to attaining your goal? Research seems to back up the saying “Success is a journey, not a destination”.  University of Wisconsin neuroscientist Richard Davidson has found that focused attention towards a goal, along with motivated effort, activates pleasurable feelings of significance and purpose as well as counteracting negative emotions.

My hope is that you will walk away from reading this with a deeper understanding of how to achieve satisfaction in life. We can’t always expect to have instant happiness, life just doesn’t work that way. If we really hope to achieve lasting happiness, I believe its worth investing some time to truly understand it.

1- Decide that happiness is part of your character

Character is higher than intellect… A great soul will be strong to live, as well as to think. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

We would all like to have more happiness in our lives. This desire is so universal that countless hours of research have been spent on discovering the root causes of happiness. It would be nice if you could read a few magic words, understand it, and magically have happiness in your life. For some reason it doesn’t seem to work like that. You can read about happiness until you are blue in the face, but it won’t do a bit of difference until you decide to take action in your life.

The wonderful thing about this, is that you can make it happen. That is probably one of the most exciting aspects of what it means to be human. We are dynamic beings who are capable of self-directed positive action. Building your character with this thought in mind will help you become impervious to negative thinking. Remaining focused on positive feelings will allow you to  constantly move forward in happiness.

We are not simple creatures, so there certainly won’t be one easy way to fix our problems. This is why it’s necessary to build a strong mental foundation to prevent negative emotions from taking root. Experiencing unhappiness is fine, everyone goes through tough times sooner or later. It’s what we do with the experience that will lay the groundwork for how we feel as time passes. Now, are you someone who is going to make the most of a situation, or are you going to let the situation defeat you? Often negative emotions stir up when we feel overwhelmed. Frustration, resentment and fear occur because we experience circumstances in life where we don’t have control. We fall short of the mark in some way. Not knowing how to respond in a positive way forces us to act out with a coping mechanism.  We must realize the negative emotions for what they are. These negative emotions do not make us who we are. Rather they are passing feelings which we can use to guide us. As long as we make the conscious decision to take the energy of those feelings, and redirect them in a positive way, we can move forward towards creating happiness.

You are the only one who can make that decision. How you react to circumstances in your life  depends greatly on your self-image. The values you hold, and the way you see yourself help define your character. While changing your character may not happen over night. You can begin to build it by taking responsibility for your decisions.  Your personal growth will develop the self-image you carry.  Since you have made the decision not to let negative emotions control your actions, you already realize the need to transform them.

Train yourself to look at negative emotion as a guide post. When you experience them, you know you are headed in the wrong direction. With a strong character, you can steer yourself away from feelings which will have you moving down the wrong path.  When you feel that something is not right, trust yourself. Do the right thing, and happiness is sure to follow.

2-Set goals, work towards them
As stated in the introduction, sometimes it’s not acquiring or achieving something which brings happiness. Working towards a worthwhile endeavor in life often brings as much, if not more satisfaction, than it’s attainment.

If you were to look at your life right in an honest manner, then you may find that the root of your unhappiness is a deep-seated desire for change. it may be change that you don’t see as possible in the present moment. The need for change can be the source of feelings which you hide from yourself in order to get by. Confronting these feelings is a good way to recognize something worthwhile to work towards. Negative feelings are not always bad. If we pay attention to them we can learn from them. Stress or frustration comes from discontent. What is the source of this discontent? Take some time to question feelings you may have been hiding. Even if you aren’t able to attack your loftier goals directly, you may be able to set smaller goals which help you get to where you need to be. When it comes to goal setting, be realistic. Nothing can set you back more than disappointing yourself with an unattainable goal. Don’t add to the frustration by setting yourself up for failure.

Working towards a goal can also keep us thinking about the positive aspects of our future. Setting a goal eliminates the stress associated with indecision. When there are too many options available to us, it causes hesitation. Thinking about lost opportunities, or other options, keeps us caught in the past. It’s what psychologist Barry Schwartz calls the “Paradox of choice”.

You’ve found your way onto this site. Which means you probably have self-improvement goals that your working towards. Visiting this site is one thing, but clearly defining what you hope to achieve is something else entirely. When you set a goal and begin to work towards it, acknowledge your efforts. Recognizing the positive actions you’re taking will change the way you see your present circumstances. When you lose yourself in your work, the way you view things seems to transform on its own.

3-Call a friend
Positive psychologist Chris Peterson says that building strong personal relationships should be one of your highest priorities. But I’m sure you already knew that. Which is why the suggestion to call a friend has already put a smile on your face. Connecting with someone in a meaningful way provides rewards on many levels. Having someone there for you when you need to vent is just one of them. Just because you need to vent, your friend will not think less of you. We all need to vent. If you are there for them when they need a shoulder to lean on, then chances are they will help you through your tough times. Rather than looking at you as weak, the opportunity to help you, will build trust in the relationship. You will be seen as someone who isn’t afraid to let down their guard and show their true self. We are social creatures, with a wide range of emotions. Sharing what you really think will give you a chance to listen to another point of view. Usually when a friend shares their perspective, situations seem less daunting. If you have a friend with a good sense of humor, all the better.

Build a social circle of positive people. The uplifting spirit is contagious. Surrounded by people who see opportunitues, rather than difficult times, is a sure way to change your perspective.

4-Let go
Letting go can feel as if a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Every moment can be new again when we learn to let go. The decision lies within yourself to begin the process. Often a practice of meditation can help you develop this ability. Some people  may be capable of recognizing their negative mental processes, and simply shutting them down.

Letting go does not have to mean leaving a conflict unresolved. Instead it allows us to resolve this conflict with all of the resources at our disposal. Try resolving a conflict when you cannot let go of a particular thought process. Chances are that you will end up in a self defeating circle. Dropping all of the mental chatter which is distracting you from your goals will give you clarity.

So how do you let go exactly? Take a deep breath, relax your shoulders and tell yourself that you want to. All of those meandering thoughts running through your mind are being consciously created. When you consciously tell yourself to stop, you remove the process. You control your mental processes, not the other way around. The mind is presenting what it believes to be solutions to your current situation. Sometimes they work, while often they might be remnants of old patterns of thinking.

“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them” – Albert Einstein

Choose to free yourself from circular patterns of thought. Freeing up your mind to move forward in the moment will give you a chance to live each moment happily.

5-Live your values
Living your values will put a smile on your face each and every time. I would also place this suggestion under the category of character building. It may come easier for some individuals and can also be dependent on individual circumstances. Regardless of present circumstances, it’s still well worth the effort to ensure that you are acting in a way which is inline with your self-image.

There may be times in life which cause us to act in a way that does not fall in line with correct action. Some of these situations involve things which we never envisioned taking place; such as losing a job or someone causing harm to a family member. In difficult times it might be easy to rationalize an incorrect course of action. In cases like this, it’s best to remember that you are not your thoughts or actions. They are transient experiences, which must be learned from, if you are going to change in a positive direction.

Realizing the transient nature of these actions or feelings will allow you to course correct for the future.

Take for instance someone who is working in a sales job to maintain their finances. It’s quite possible that they are selling a product they don’t truly stand behind. This can be the cause of mixed emotions. How do you get by day-to-day when you are acting in a way which you don’t think is correct?

Another example can be someone who is promoted to an executive position within their company. What happens when they become overwhelmed with work, but need the income to support their family? Even though it may be a position that took a great deal of effort to attain, the individual might not be happy. It then becomes of vital importance to reconcile what is most important to the individual. Once the decision is made about what holds greater importance, then taking action to make it reality becomes paramount.

Removing cognitive dissonance from your life will help you live with conviction. Knowing that your actions fall in line with your values will create certainty in your mind. This  certainty leads to confident behavior along with correct action. With such positive action in your life there is no doubt  that happiness will accompany everything that you do.

In my next post, I’ll give you 5 more ideas for creating happiness in your life – right now!

So…?  How’s that list coming along?  Did you start it?  Or are you avoiding it?

If you haven’t started it yet, don’t read any further.  Open up your favorite word processor, start a new document, and title it “Things I’d Like To Do, Be or Have”.  Then spend just 10 minutes letting your imagination run.  Come back to this post when you’ve completed that task.

If you’re confused by the comments above, please read my last post.

Moving forward…

The thought occurred to me while I was proofreading my last post that one of the keys to being able to make changes in our lives is freedom.

If you’re reading this, chances are you live in a free country; he United States, Canada, Australia and the UK, most likely (forgive me if I’ve missed some place where English is the primary language).

In those countries, people are generally free; free to travel at will; relocate homes and businesses; say what they like, about whoever or whatever they like, to whoever they wish; do whatever makes them happy.  We are born with these freedoms, and rarely have cause to think about them.  Instead, we just take advantage of them when we choose.

But, the freedom to think the kinds of thoughts we want, and to avoid those which we’d rather not have, is both simpler and harder to achieve.  Here’s what I mean.

Want to think happy thoughts?  Watch some puppies playing.  You can’t not smile.  Simple.  And you’re free to do it if you have the desire.

Want to avoid some negative thoughts you’re having?  Watch some puppies playing.  Simple (but you have to actually watch the puppies).  And you’re free to do it if you have the desire.

The hard part is recognizing when it’s time to change your thoughts; catching yourself in the moment.  It requires a kind of double awareness.  Not only are you in the moment with your negative thoughts, but you must be able to be outside of the moment to realize the negativity.

So, how do you do that?  The short answer is practice.  The more you try to do it, the better you will become at it.  But, the problem is how to get started in the first place.

In my opinion, you’ve already started if you have the desire to make a change.  If you consciously accept and acknowledge the idea that you could be doing a better job of directing your thoughts, you will begin to notice little areas of opportunity for correction.

As I said, you’ll get better with practice, and you could just work with the ideas I’ve given you, but a better idea is to get more input.  If you read my post, “Do you measure up?“, you may remember that one of the keys I gave for getting out of the spiral of negativity is to start looking for supportive input.

There are lots of ways to get reinforcement for this process.  Use whatever method works best for you.  Some people are readers.  For them, there are countless books, newsletters, blogs, etc.  Others are more auditory.  Those folks can find many of the same books on CD, as well as webinars, radio shows and even music.  If you get more from live events, consider seminars, meetup.com, spiritual and even church groups.  There are also quite a few movies to be found.

“Sounds good, Tim, but what topic am I looking for?”  Good question.  While this is actually an old concept, you’ll find a lot of references to the idea of changing the way you think categorized under the New Age umbrella.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Think and Grow Rich
• Ask and It is Given
• Zig Ziglar
• Dennis Waitley
• Dr. Wayne Dyer

There are many others to be found, but I can personally recommend those on the list above (don’t worry, I’ll suggest more in the future!).

I do feel like I have to comment on something at this point.  If feeling good about your life, thinking positive, happy thoughts and feeling motivated are things that you’re struggling with (especially if this is a normal condition for you), it might benefit you to look at the people you are surrounding yourself with.

Chances are, your friends and family are pretty negative, if you’re having trouble in this area.  If that’s the case, the absolute best thing you could do for yourself is to get away; move out of the house, get a divorce, find new friends.  However, this is a very big step, and we’re dealing with baby steps right now.

Instead, just understand that those particular people will not be able to give you the kind of support I mentioned earlier.  They simply don’t know how.  It doesn’t make them good or bad; or you right or wrong.  It just means that you have a bigger hill to climb than someone who associates with people of a different mindset.

What I will suggest is that you begin to seek out those people who can help you with your process.  The good news is that you need only be persistent about making your changes, and those positive-minded people will be drawn to you, and you to them.

That’s all for now.