Personal Fires

One thing at a time. It’s all you’re capable of. Whether or not you believe yourself to be working on many things, it’s not actually true. You are actually working on one thing while being distracted by others.

You can see that this is true if you become aware of your mental chatter when you are focused on a task. If you are thinking about what’s coming up next, or what troubles you may have getting it finished, then these are simply concepts which are floating through your mind.

These concepts aren’t always necessarily helpful. So it’s important to be aware of them. The reason to be aware of them is so that you can recognize how much energy they are taking from you. If you have background noise going on while you are trying to put your efforts into something; can you see how that will require more energy?

It’s likely that you feel stressed out, because you don’t know how to quiet this mental chatter. Or possibly it’s an anxious feeling which you constantly experience. It’s as if something is missing from the present moment but your not quite sure what.

It’s difficult when this mental habit overshadows everything you attempt to do. You may wonder how come you are not as focused as you once were. You might think that you are not capable of dedicating yourself to only one thing at a time.  Nothing could be further from the truth. You are completely capable. It is this capability which is contributing to the mental feedback you’re getting.

It’s not necessarily your fault that this mental habit has developed. We live in a very fast paced society, where more and more is expected from us. We are expected to keep up with work, take care of the children, communicate with friends and family, and maintain a household. On top of that, you may be attending school in order to acquire advanced skills to advance in your career. All this is going on with the background noise of the news media contributing to our worries.

While it may feel as if the news is important,  we should not allow the media to have an impact on the present concern. If you are constantly worried about the economy, or war, or political decisions, there is no wonder why you can’t stay focused! There is simply too much on your plate at one time.

If you want to get rid of that nagging voice; then you need to make a decision. You must make a conscious choice that you will not distract yourself with thoughts that do not have a present concern. Sure, at some point you may want to address these issues, but you must do it in your own time. You cannot save the world, and focus on your current task  at the same time!

I know that this mindset might seem to belittle some of the cares which you have right now. So what though! Are these cares helping you or hindering you? I think it would be safe to say that they aren’t contributing to your success. After all, successful people are focused. They know what they can control, and what they cannot. A successful individual knows that you can only handle one thing at a time.

Perhaps the image that you have of a successful person is someone who is constantly working. Is it important to be constantly moving in order to attain success? What does success mean to you? Are you comparing it to someone else’s idea of success?

I bring up success because I think it’s what most people tend to be striving for in one way or another. I could be wrong about this. Of course the idea of success is different for everyone. Some may think that success is eliminating poverty or disease; while others see success as acquiring material wealth. Whatever your idea of success is, it must be realized one step at a time. To put too much pressure on yourself while you work towards your goals, will not help you. In fact, whether you reach your goals or not,  will you have enjoyed the process of getting there?

If you are the type of person who has thoughts, concepts or ideas constantly on the backburner, then let them stay there. Just make sure that they are not showing themselves as a string of thoughts which interrupt you while you are dedicated to working on something else. I know this statement might seem contradictory. How is it possible to have something on the backburner, without having constant thoughts related to it? Easy – write it down, and forget about it. You will come back to it, if it’s important.

The habit of staying completely present may not come easily at first. Though, I highly recommend making a committed effort to do so. If you start to see yourself as someone who is highly aware, focused and present,  rather than someone who is always worried or distracted, then you will surely notice a change in your thinking.

In order to become a person who is focused entirely in the present, I strongly recommend practicing meditation. If meditation is something which you are completely uninterested in, thats ok. Maybe you would be better off starting a hobby. Or take an activity which you already do, and just remind yourself to be completely immersed while you do it. Eventually this mindset will carry over to other activities.

Acting from this centered, highly focused state will allow you to access creative insights which you may have been missing out on before. Have you ever noticed, that while you are just relaxed and having fun, interesting ideas seem to pop into your head out of nowhere? It has everything to do with a state of “flow”.

I’ve challenged myself personally to act more in a state of present awareness. Within a short period of time I’ve noticed a dramatic change in the amount of mental chatter I consciously engage in. I encourage you to challenge yourself, and see how it feels to “turn off” the mental chatter and just let go. I promise you that you will be glad that you did. After all, what are you really missing out on?

I’m a big fan of the TV show ‘Two And A Half Men’, and a line from that show is the basis for this post.

For those who may not be familiar with the show, it’s about two brothers. Charlie, played by Charlie Sheen, is a hard-drinking playboy who lives on the beach in Malibu. For him, life is a game. His brother, Alan, played by John Cryer, has been forced to come live with Charlie after divorce puts him into financial straits. Alan is uptight and anal, and resents the ease with which good things come to Charlie.

In the episode in question, Charlie has injured his “male parts” while having sex, and Alan has accompanied him to the hospital to be inspected. The doctor turns out to be a beautiful young woman, and Charlie can’t help but hit on her. Alan is amazed and appalled, and when the doctor leaves the room, he gives Charlie an earful of his opinion.

Charlie’s response: “The difference between you and me is that when life gives me a lemon, I make lemonade. When life gives you a lemon, you bite in and suck it inside out.”

Anyone who has spent any time in self-reflection or self-improvement studies is likely nodding his or her head right now. It’s pretty easy to see how attitude effects us all. What’s not as easy is knowing how to make changes in our attitude. I’m looking forward to sharing more perspectives, techniques, and tools for doing just that here in 2010.

Wishing you a great year!
Tim Star

In my last post, we looked at the idea that you bear the primary responsibility for how other people treat you.  This time, I want to offer a technique for making long-term changes in those problem relationships.

Here’s a subject most of us have to deal with at some point in our lives – some of us seem to have it as a regular feature!  – that annoying co-worker/family member/acquaintance.

You know who this is.  You start clenching your jaw, or grinding your teeth when they enter the room.  Or you suddenly have an upset stomach because they called you on the phone.  How do you avoid interacting with these people?

Answer: you don’t.  In some rare cases, you might be able to get your husband to agree to move away from his mother’s neighborhood, or you might be able to change jobs.  But, generally speaking, those aren’t options that are easily taken.

Instead, you need to find a way to view those people differently.  You need to be able to change the way you feel about them. This is what you really want.

That statement won’t sit well with some people.  They’ll want to be able to assign blame, to make that other person wrong.  But, blame won’t improve the situation.  It can only make it worse.  Even though, in the moment it might feel better to claim the title of Victim, that very act gives away your power, which leads to more negative feelings, more blame, less power, etc., etc.,  It’s an ugly downward spiral.

Let me suggest a scenario for you: Next Monday morning, you go in to work,  and Mary, that #%&*! from Accounting, approaches you and asks if she can speak to you in private.  You follow her into her office, and she closes the door.  As you take a seat, she proceeds to offer an apology for the way she’s been treating you.  She says she has just recently realized how she had been acting, and wants to apologize.  As a token peace offering, she hands you a small box with a ribbon around it.

(What’s in the box is irrelevant.  Go with it.  Just assume it’s a nice little present.)  Even if you are wary about accepting her apology at face value, isn’t your perception of her going to change?  Just a little?  And what if she continues to act differently toward you over the coming days and weeks?  Your perspective on her is going to soften up considerably.

On the other hand, if you were determined to hang onto that blame, in spite of any other reasons not to, you’d continue to dislike Mary, and continue to give her power over your life.  So, I ask you; which would you prefer?  Pain, ugliness and weakness?  Or lightness and a workable relationship?

I know what you’re saying; “Tim, that sounds great and all, but what if Mary doesn’t have a change of heart?  What if she continues to be that same #%&*! she’s always been?”

It’s still about how you feel about her.  What if you just loved her, regardless of how she treated you, for no rational reason?  You’d still be happy! Yes, you might be nuts, but you’d be happy, and that’s what you’re after.  You just have to give up on your hope of vindication or revenge.  You have to make the choice to let go of the blame.

So, this is ultimately about how you feel.  What to do?  You need to look for ways to think thoughts about Mary that will make you feel better.  That’s all.  They don’t even need to be true.  Nor, in my opinion, do they need to be  particularly nice at this point.  If picturing that person falling under a bus honestly makes you feel better, then go with it.  Feel better.  Get a little of the weight off your chest.

Next, start looking for opportunities to think good-feeling thoughts about that person that are true, that are nice(r).  Maybe you can envision them moving away, or losing your phone number.  Or meeting someone else to bother, and forgetting about you entirely.  It is possible.

A better choice is to focus more specifically on the person.  Start with something small and unthreatening, like “She wears nice shoes.”  Then, expand on that; “She really dresses very well.  She has pretty good taste.  I like that skirt.”  Try to let your mind run with it, without yielding to the temptation to fall back into blame.  “I wonder what her closet looks like…  I’d love to have a closet full of clothes like that!  I wonder if we’re the same size…  Maybe I could borrow that white blouse with the ruffles…”

The specifics aren’t important.  You get the point.  You want to find things that let you just begin to think different thoughts about that person, and build on them.  Follow that trail, and do your best to have fun with it!

With a little time and a little practice, you’ll find that this person no longer bothers you so much.  Maybe you’ll be able to laugh (to yourself) about the things they say or do.

Something else you’re likely to find is that your relationship with them improves.  If they’re truly nasty people, you’ll find (and you’re just going to have to trust me on this) that they will just not be so nasty to you, and might even treat you decently – we won’t ask for respect or friendship; some people are hard nuts to crack.  You might find yourself able to have a polite conversation with them, even if it’s only about (in this example) work issues.  And, hey!  Wouldn’t that be enough?

You are far more likely to receive the kind of treatment you expect than that which you do not expect.

In my last post, I said that “relationships are negotiated, even if no words are exchanged.  In addition, the negotiations are constant…” This means that how you relate with other people is not pre-determined, and can be changed at any time, by either party.  (We all have relationships with everything in our worlds, but for the purposes of this post, the conversation is limited to relationships with people.)

Let’s say you go to dinner at an upscale restaurant.  Long before you arrive, you will have created certain expectations about how you will be treated by the staff of the restaurant – from the parking valets on up.

Those expectations are based on many things; previous experiences with that particular restaurant, or similar; input you’ve received from sources such as friends, media reviews of the restaurant, or even TV shows.

But, just as importantly, your self-image, and the way you view your place in the world, will pre-determine your expectations.  If you see yourself as a victim, or somehow unworthy of dining at a restaurant of that caliber, you will carry yourself differently than if you see yourself as worthy of the finest that life has to offer.

That viewpoint will broadcast itself to everyone you come into contact with during this event, through body language, speech patterns, eye contact, etc.  Unfortunately, animals (and humans are animals)  seem to be wired to take advantage of situations when there is an opportunity.  So, if you’re broadcasting weakness or uncertainty, others will pick up on it and exploit it.

This might be evidenced by the valet speeding off in your car right in front of you, spinning the tires and revving the engine.  Inside, the maitre d’ might treat you a bit less personally than other diners, and seat you at a table near the kitchen.  Then, it might be an unusually long time before your waiter arrives, or for your food to arrive, once you’ve ordered.  You get the picture…

After a night like this, you might leave thinking, “I’ll never go back there again.  The service was crappy.  I don’t know what all the hype is about.”

So, who’s to blame?  (Blame is a good topic for another discussion.)  Should anyone you encountered during the evening  have treated you any less spectacularly than they treated anyone else there?  No, of course not.  But they did because you invited them to do it.  You showed weakness, and the pack took advantage of it.  It’s what happens.

So, the natural question is, “How do I avoid this in the future?”

If you’re interested in an answer from a metaphysical standpoint, look for information on the Law Of Attraction.  I have a blog called What’s Your Path? that gives my interpretations of it.

In more (apparently) practical terms, your self-image is the problem.  If you think you’re a failure; you can’t do anything right; you never win; life is hard; you don’t earn enough money; you don’t have a nice enough car, or house, or watch, or clothes…  All of those mindsets are prescriptions for failure.

What to do?  Anything! Anything that gives you a strong possibility for success.  Find some kind of activity that holds a certain amount of challenge for you, but one that you also believe you have a good chance of accomplishing.

The goal here is to do something that makes you feel good about yourself for having done it; something you can be proud of, even in a small way.  If you’re overweight because you don’t eat right and don’t exercise, get up and do something.  Go walk a mile.  Or ride a bike for 5.  Anything that will make you feel better about yourself for having done it.

Once you believe that you can accomplish that goal at will, that there is no more challenge, no more question, it’s time to step up to something harder.  To stay with the example above, increase your target to 2 miles on foot, or 10 miles on the bike.  Whatever!  The numbers aren’t important.  What is important is to give yourself obtainable goals.

What will happen is that as you reach your goals, you will begin to develop more and more confidence that you can reach bigger goals, and you will begin to set more difficult, but still believable, targets for yourself.

With time, you’ll look forward to the act of tackling the challenge as much as achieving the goal, because it’s the journey that makes the goal feel worthwhile.  It’s the effort that gives the goal value.

When you regularly accomplish those things which you set out to do, your self-image will be far improved over what it is currently.  And, it won’t be inflated ego.  It will be self-confidence based on proven performance and tangible results.

And, somewhere along the line, your experience at that upscale restaurant will be very different, and much more pleasant.

In my next post, I’ll talk about a different kind of method to use to improve the way your relationships with people develop.